I go to bed at 8:30pm now. We got an invitation to a friend's birthday party that started at 9pm on Saturday. My first thought was, "Now who in the world starts a party at 9:30pm?" Oh ya, me about 13 1/2 weeks ago. I fell asleep at our friends house a couple of weeks ago while they were all carving pumpkins, before their 2 year old's bedtime. I keep waiting for that burst of energy I'm supposed to get now that I'm ending the first trimester and entering into the second. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Yesterday as I was watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta for. six. hours. The thought crossed my mind that perhaps my energy was back, but I'm just so used to taking it easy (read: being lazy) that I'm now in a slump and hadn't even realized it's homecoming, let alone celebrated it. And if not, then what about faking it 'til I make it? "Making it" would include doing something, anything, other than working, sleeping or eating. The house hadn't been cleaned in two weeks, I hadn't grocery shopped in that long either. We’re out of toilet paper. Using napkins. I've been to the gym only once in that time span. It was worth a try. So with my best pep talk, I willed myself to get off the coach and clean one room. You know, small goals, baby steps, to make it seem more manageable. I made three valiant attempts, I really did. Except each one ended with me crying as soon as I got up and falling back on the coach in a weepy, pathetic heap. I didn't even make it into the other room.
These are the times when I hear voices in my head saying things like, "I knew this would happen. I knew I’d loose control and fall apart, that the house would turn into a disaster, that Mark would be working a 32 hour shift on my day off, and here we are." My thinking then degrades to, "If I can't hack it now, before the baby's even here, how in the world do I think I'll be able to do all this once s/he arrives." My mind spins with scenes of working full-time, on a lot less sleep, with a baby to take care of. I have to battle those voices and images and counter them with things like, "You're right, you're not in control, but God is. And wouldn't you rather Him be in control than your weak little self right about now?" Yes. Yes, I would. I wish I had the will and energy to get everything back on track on my own. But I don't. And I have a feeling I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Unable to do it on my own. Utterly dependent on God. That was yesterday. Today is a new day. I'm going to do what I can and leave the rest to God. Trusting He'll give me the the exact amount of strength, exactly when I need it and letting good enough be the new perfect in the Russell household. I love perfect, so this is not easy, but it's where I'm at right now, without much of a choice but to go with it. Wish me luck.
Oh honey......having been where you are at not *to* long ago, I totally sympathize. I just want to say that it is OK to lay on the couch all day and watch Real Housewives. It is OK to collapse in a crying pathetic heap at least three times a day. It is OK to see other pregnant girls who "love" being pregnant and want to punch a wall. And by all means, it is beyond OK to say no and stay home if you are to tired. Your body is busy growing a miracle and sometimes I think it is far to easy to lose track of that and try to be superwoman. Keep in mind, that you ARE superwoman right now!
ReplyDeleteAs far as how hard it will be when the baby gets here, it is. BUT you don't even realize how hard it is because you are so in love with your miracle that you would do it all again working a lot more and sleeping a lot less. More so, you will look back and wonder what on EARTH you did with all your time before the baby came!! (a good time to reference this blog and see!!) Let go, let god, and (this sounds crazy) enjoy this time you have with your little one all to yourself. :)
Love, Daffney
I totally had what I called, the "sleepies" with Annaliese as well. I think it was on par with your level of "can't do anything productive" after working all day/week and falling asleep when I would have rather been having fun. I took naps in my car during lunch for a long time. ;) But it will pass. And as your friend said, your body is doing a lot of WORK for God's little gift to grow inside of you! And it is good to just soak it up for the time being! Love you and congrats again!
ReplyDeleteOh, you sweet thing! I wish I could come clean your house for you! Be loving and gracious to yourself - I tell people during pregnancy to be SELFISH! You should sit on the couch, not clean and wipe your bummy with napkins. I look at pregnancy as a beautiful opportunity to feed your own soul a little bit, rest and relax as much as possible. Soon enough selfishness will have to cease for a little bit when that little Peach shows up. I totally understand what you're saying about the perfection thing - I still struggle with that but know that once baby is here you will find a rhythm that works for you. It may look different than perfect does to you now but it will still work. Love you!
ReplyDeleteLove your writing. Love you honesty and your heart.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I used to frame my thoughts with when I had these exact kinds of days/weeks: maybe I am particularly weepy today because baby is growing eyes, or tear ducts, or vision. Maybe I am particularly tired in my legs today because baby is growing legs, or bone, or muscles. Maybe I am short of breath today because baby is growing lungs, or a nose.
Baby has to grow a million parts in a very short amount of time and your whole body is the factory. It is a miracle of vast awesomeness that an entire body is forming inside of you right now. Whoa!
Also, I'll come clean or cook for you on any weekend. While you've always kept perfection on your own, this may be a season of learning to (reluctantly) let go of perfect but also to learn to lean in for help/support/kindness of others. Because we want to. :)
Hugs, C
You are going to be great :) And this weekend let's just do relaxing things, and if you are tired, you are tired. Don't feel like you have to clean or do anything you aren't in the mood /physical to do :) I can't wait to see you!!!! I love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much ladies, your comments and encouragement really helped! I love how so many of you are well-versed in this crazy/amazing/emotional journey. It's comforting to hear from those who have gone through it before me.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't one of those people who floated around loving being pregnant, though now I look back on those "lazy" days fondly. A pregnant yoga-loving friend once asked if the pregnancy yoga DVD I was lending her was challenging. I looked at her funny and said, "You're growing a baby. THAT'S challenging." Everything else you do is just something extra. I slept A LOT when I was pregnant--until I couldn't sleep, that is--and I couldn't believe people work and be pregnant at the same time. I don't know how you're doing it.
ReplyDeleteAs one of your friends said, though, you do find a store of energy once that baby is born that you didn't know you had. This is not to say that my house is clean--I haven't dusted or vacuumed in way too long (sorry to say)--but I, too, have let go of perfect.
BTW, I never got that burst of energy during pregnancy, either. I just stopped feeling like I had the flu, which was a relief.
Hang in there! It's totally worth it. And third year is so much easier (not easy, but a lot easier.)
Call me if you want to. :)
Olaina